I would rather be a coward than brave, because people hurt you when you are brave. But so many times I always got so brave and impatient and screamed it all out, only to get myself crying cos I'd either get a string of hurting words or get myself disbelieved.
When I calmed down, I asked myself was it wrong to say it all out, should I just keep them all to myself and wait for days later and slowly say them out? No I can't, I just am so impatient and would say all I have to at the most peak time of the quarrel. Wish I could control myself and keep it all the way till when we calmed down and then slowly say it, perhaps it would never be misunderstood this way.
I'm living in misery, only to lie to myself I'm not, telling myself it's okay to be misunderstood, you should put yourself in other people's shoes, for if you were them you'd just misunderstand too.
Such a failure, 19 years of my life and I can't even clear a misunderstanding. I should be laughing at myself in fact. Having neither the means nor capability, thanks to myself for being too impatient and saying it all out at the peak quarrel time, only to regret and wish I could control and explain days later, maybe all might very well be better? No, maybe not, maybe till then it'd be another story of why delay till now then say? And then the misunderstand still stands. Might even be deeper.
I know how it feels like on the other side, all the doubts and suspicions, but no, no one will ever know how it is like on my side, me myself I throwing non stop strings and strings of words and yet not one line will be believed. Knowing I can't do anything about it but just let the misunderstanding be that way.
This day has returned, that kind of old days, yourself misunderstood and then get another 5 to 6 years to numb yourself all about it, and live in misery but put on a smile thru these years. I shiver even at the thought of it.
People say they'd be there for you, but when you tell them this, or even when they read this, they might very well think there's no hope for this really scary emokid forever 24/7 got something to emo about. I even wonder am I like the saddest person alive? /mocks at self
Hope I can stop loving anybody so I can stop eating vinegar and make myself so miserable. And stop myself from all the speculations and worryings for they might very well be unnecessary. Anyway I'm just redundant and unnecessary, just good at being unreasonable and demanding. If I could, I wish I could numb all feelings and stop all love.
Wish I could become cold blooded and live in a world of my own and never step out of it, never love again, never be loved also. It is a very wrong thing to fall too deep and sink so deep because you never know your partner falls as deep or not, and it is just the way to torture yourself. Even if your partner did sink as deep, he or she might very well recover faster for it is you the only fool who can't let go and make yourself think of the past and sink even deeper when there's actually nothing else left for you.
Perhaps I'm not suited to love anyone for going all out might very well equates possession and doing more harm. I must change my way of love and care or I'd still make the same mistake and harp on the same one thing for nights and years. (yes another 5 to 6 years)
I'm the real fool. I should look into the mirror and laugh at myself why I this fool can do so much for anybody but myself. Just what is wrong with me? I guess I've too much tears to spare, maybe I'm supposed to think a lot about one thing and then cry for years over it. Maybe that's the life I have to live with.
Is it wrong to go all out, to seek perfection? To love and be loved? Is it all wrong?
Maybe I've done too many evil things that this is the suffering I deserve now.
I should just pretend to be happy and shut off myself from the world.
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