Maybe

Maybe I care too much. Maybe you don't even care at all.
Maybe I think too far. Maybe you don't think at all.
Maybe I'm oversensitive. Maybe you're insensitive.
Maybe I'm jealous. Maybe you're angry.
Maybe I'm paranoid. Maybe you're disappointed.
Maybe I'm insecure, Maybe you're too secure.
Maybe I take things too hard, Maybe you think it's nothing.

Maybe I don't matter to you at all.

Maybe I'm way too bored. Maybe I'm way too tired. Maybe I'm way too sad.

Few days ago, we can smile, we can talk, we can play.
Few days later, we fake a smile, we hardly spoke, we didn't play.

You're always right, I'm always wrong
You're always smart, I'm always dumb
You're always fast; I'm always slow

I still don't understand why I take it so seriously. Maybe I really zou huo lu mou le. Not like you're some great fellow that I die also cannot live without. Maybe all I need is time, and then one day everything will be gone. Back to the old days, the old old days, when we never knew each other, never once spoke, never once got hurt.

Maybe you'll never notice the slightest thing I'm concerned about, maybe you think it was a joke from the start, maybe you think I'm lying all the time.

Maybe at times like this, I will retreat and find back the past people in my lives, and then when I'm okay again, I'd move away from them again. So the present hurting the present makes me go back to the past, the past hurting the present makes me move on to the future.

Maybe you never even once moved to me, it's me, me, me, who moved to you, you, you. Perhaps I should be smiling that at least you did respond, maybe it's purely to entertain me back. Still, I could foolish think you respond because it's real.

Are we that weak?
Are we that untrustworthy?
Are we that selfish?

Can you tell me in my face, give me 101% assurance that you really love me? Did miss me? Did felt hurt if I ever ignored you? (Have I even ever.)

Keep holding on CY.....
KEEP HOLDING ON ~~
For I know, at the end of the day, I'll never give up. I don't know why, I've never once given up on such things, I guess, probably it's my promise right from the start and I'll follow it through - till one day should you decide to abandon me, leave me alone to die die die, die myself, for I guess you probably just need like at the most a day to completely get me off your memory. Yes? No? No, I'll never want that day to come.

It's 3.17pm, where are you? Will we be back to "normal" one day?
I'm also human. I know you have feelings, you think I don't have?
I also will tired one, you think what, I superwoman?

When I'm so weak and dying, you're always missing. Maybe your way of "concern" is just so not concern, might as well keep it to yourself, better than me speculating and being 110% sensitive and paranoid over you. Then wasting my time on my blog (but is ok since my knnb tv is still not yet repaired.)

Maybe even when all's repaired, there'd still be scars. Sounds so cliche, but so true too. Sighs. So sad. Not a single soul is on msn [ Well I mean the ones I talk to ] just mira, but no, I don't wanna rant to him all over again, all he can do is console only, but also cannot help me. I myself cannot even help myself. Right, wrong, right, wrong?

Lucky my fingers can talk to the keyboard and the keyboard can talk to the monitor screen and finally to my eyes, which means talking to myself. People say I keep things to myself, see, where got, didn't I pen them down now, then when I pen, they complain I don't pen the exact words directed to the exact person. And my same old response is I'll never do that, well, any person blogging hardly does that, no?

Having typed so much... at least I'm clear yes I do, I do love you a lot, for no reason I'm just so attracted by you. That's why the slightest thing can affect me so so so freaking badly, that I've to go around complaining to people who CANNOT help me. What did you exactly poisoned me with!?!??!?!??!?!?!!???!??!?!?!?!?!

I tried to force some tears last night in my sleep, maybe I thought that would like make me cool down or forget or something. But I failed, the stupid tears just doesn't want to come, and when I don't want them to come, they just come. Like now.

Everything must fall on me at one go. Everything. First, I assume you're kind of mad that I'm not inside, that I was distracted and went all about the house to do everything else. Next, Clarence and I still quarrelling cos I've attp and always love love love to hurt him deep deep and then realise I should go apologise, but the scar will still be there. Then, the stupid test. Then me just being so sad when I don't even know the exact reason WHY. I know - everything must just attack me at the same same same time. I know.

Because at the end of the day, when I need a soul, everybody is missing from my life. Like now.

Enough of ranting, I know it's getting boring, and I basically only have this dead ranting blog.

Anyway, Fhenny's in Singapore. So glad to get her surprise sms this morning. Too bad she didn't let me know when's her flight ): ): Or I'd have flown all the way to fetch her. I'll meet you soon babe!! People, any room for rent in town area, pm me, lol! My awesome Fhenny needs a stay in Singapore! <3