There's never been a time when I can cry loudly, cry painfully and cry all I want.
I regretted once for the other him, I regretted I didn't try. After much regrets, I got better after a year and I can safely say I am completely good now.

Today, I had another story. Something in me died.

The first time we met, I can't remember when and I didn't really bother. I was young. Was I 16? I think I was. I don't even remember how we exactly talked.
Some part of my recollection tells me that you took away my hello kitty pillow and i snatched it back. It was probably the first time you caught my attention.
Nothing happened. I was young, I also didn't bother much.

Many months later I suppose, somehow we got to know each other just that slightly more. You made mayo sandwich for us all, and I can't really recall if mine was the biggest share but somehow I like to believe so. You sat beside me each day at work, and one fine day you made me a sandwich. It was one of the tastiest I had.
Somehow again, you started bullying me. Pinching my cheeks, playing with my hair and disturbing me. I liked them. I liked them all.

I leave work at 530 or 545. You were different. You were special. You usually left early. Each time you left, I stared a while more, hoping you'd stay. But I didn't felt much. It was just a silly hope for you to stay a while more. I had to wait for the next working day.

I've a long story to tell. I play with you. I like to say I love you. I like to say I miss you. I just like to say whatever I like to. I think I am cute and I would act like I am whenever I am with you. We sat beside each other everyday at work until one day you moved up and sat somewhere else. I was sad. I thought to myself nah we're still in the same office anyways. Again, it didn't seem like I was very much bothered. I would try to run up and chat with you, but you were sometimes cold, maybe we had nothing much to say during that time.

Probably few months later again, we were beside each other again. I went back to work during my holidays. But I recall it's the time when you seem sad to me but appeared real strong. As cool as you always do. You were packing all her stuff infront of me. I still asked and disturbed if you were sad. You kept quiet. If I didn't remember wrongly, I heard you said something like no point. You've always been strong and cool to me. So warm. I liked it. I started to notice you a little more again. Some fine day, I was a little sick. You went out and bought me macroni. I secretly liked it, whether you cared for me as a colleague, a sister, or a friend. Again, another fine day, we went out for soup spoon. Just you and me. It was the first time I tried soup spoon. And I liked it. And that's why I liked it until now. Each time I enter soup spoon, I'd proudly tell my friend something about you. Somehow I'd think of your existence.

Once, I left work for school. You gave me gifts. You put some in my small bag and made it looked like it's gonna explode. I was surprised. I liked it. I don't know what to give you to deem as appropriate. And I gave you shit. Literally, that shit softtoy thingy cos I thought it's cute.

Sometimes, I felt uneasy after work. I get to see you only on the next working day. And there were a few times when you had to suddenly go back home in the early afternoon, or suddenly didn't come for work. I would be sad because no one would entertain me. Each time clients come, you'd play "I don't give a damn about you" that song. I liked it. Even now, that song would remind me of you, and the times when we sat beside each other at work. Once, you pulled your chair behind me, your hands on my chair. My heart skipped. But I didn't much bother, I was busy at work. And then your uncle comes down and told you that why you keep bullying me. I don't think you'd remember anything, I was surprised I actually remembered.

So finally, I went back to school but from what I remember, shortly after we met again. Don't know for eating or what. But we did meet. And then it was offical parting, cos school's gonna be busy and I'll never spend a single weekend outside except with family.

Many a times, you left overseas for trips. You got me gifts. You got me elmo, I loved it. To me, you're nice. Sometimes I even think you're a little too nice. And then, you got me chocolates. Those in boxes type. I eat the chocolates as slowly as I could, because I couldn't bear to eat them. I keep the boxes and those tiny ribbons too. I like all these small little things. My birthday, you built me a bear. I was just saying, I didn't know you'd really do it for me. I was surprised. I liked it. The elmo and the bear used to sleep with me each day, but I couldn't bear to spoil and dirty them. I cleaned them and have it displayed in my cupboard. I wanted to buy a new cupboard like what you had in your room. To display all my many many many softtoys. But my house and room's too small and I didn't buy it. I don't know why but somehow some things will remind me of you. I never thought I liked you. Or maybe I did, but I didn't care.

Many a times, you sent me smses, telling me about your camps or stuffs like that. Sometimes I don't even know what you're talking about. But I liked them. You like to mumble to yourself, you've a deep deep voice, sometimes you appear so unclear and I don't even bother to clarify what you were actually saying.

One fine valentines, I got you a big big card. I don't know why too.

Sometimes I am too busy with schoolwork and somehow didn't remember much that you exist. At times, I don't reply you cos I don't know what to reply. It gets me thinking whether I've some communication problems.

Many fine days, we chatted online, we smsed, and somehow I guess after my exams period we started texting everyday. I don't know why. But it just seems like we did.

In the past, I'd sometimes spank your hand away when it's on my shoulders. And you'd show me a face. Sometimes now when your hand comes again, I didn't reject. I liked it. When you took it away, I wanted to ask you, "Hey, put that back." I didn't. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know how to say.

Long time ago, I wanted to be with another guy but somehow you'd suddenly appear in my mind and make me think twice. I didn't decide on anything surprisingly, but I just didn't care for it all. Plus, I was busy with school and sometimes work and I didn't give much thought to such things. I regretted when I didn't want the other guy, but then I took a year to recover and I guess I actually did recover.

So somehow I started liking to go to your house, maybe because I was bored, or maybe because I just wanted to go. Your messy room scared me. But it left an impression on me. I noticed you slightly more again.

You liked that miku or something like that. I started liking it a little too. I saw the chain at comic connection one fine day after driving and I just bought two. I don't know why too. I excitedly told you about it but was smashed that somehow your reply was like O_O or surprised type. And I didn't know where to buy the real things, I don't really bother much about all these. I've never been exposed to them and I don't reallly know much at all. But whenever I step into a comic shop, a computer shop or just somehow related shops, I'd start looking frantically for it. Even in puzzle shops. I even asked the shopkeeper. I don't know why I am doing all these.

You accompanied me to register my driving, you stood close to me in the bus. I didn't felt anything. Sometimes I feel something, sometimes I don't. That day at amk, I did. You told me you were coming down, my heart did beat faster. But somehow the very calm you makes me go back to my original state. I don't know whether I like you as a friend or a brother.

Today, I cried. It was the first time I cried for you. I've been dying to know something about you, something more about you. I'm jealous of your past. I just want to know all about you. I asked for the obvious, but still I want to hear it from you. You were honest. I liked it. But it made me cried.

A part of me just died. It made me shiver in my seat, it made me blank and it made me tear. Sitting in my seat, tearing for you when I don't even know why. Then I went to the toilet to calm myself down. I didn't know what exactly happened. I appeared strong and got back to work.

Trained home with my friend and I was okay. Until I walked home. I walked home with tears in me. It's been a few months, (maybe around a year) since my heart broke again. Today, it broke again. Nice.

It's funny. I don't even know if you liked me. But I still like to believe you do. Probably as a sister only. I don't know, because I often doubt whether I liked you as a friend or brother too.

I couldn't take my dinner. I don't know what to do. I can't finish typing. I've missed out a lot of details and my fingers are getting tired. My heart is still beating slightly faster than normal and many parts of me are already dead.

This is my fate, I think too much, I care too much, and I don't know what to say. Even if I thought I did liked you, I would never say it. It seems like I never really say anything until I am on the verge of giving up and would use the cowardly way to blog it out, and then miss many details or being rational because I just needed to type whatever I have first.

I don't know what to do. I'm lost in my own world. I am sensitive, jealous and whatever similar words you can associate with. The world has changed, but I haven't, I still haven't step out of myself.

Maybe I need more exposure. Maybe I need far far far more time.

How much time would I need? I wish I know too.

I told one close friend about it, she said she feels you're honest and good, not the get one fuck one type. I think so too. But a part of me still just died, hoping for the other lie but you chose the naked truth. I don't know if it'd be better if you lied, probably yes for now, but no in the long run.

I think too much. I tend to think too far. I need to predict the future before I start anything.

But all I know now is before anything has started, I've already lost my game.

Loser me. I don't even know what I am crying for or typing for.

I just need some time alone, for me to stop crying and shivering now.

Honestly, I don't know what I'm exactly sad about or even worth crying for, I think I'm just mad.

Actually, it's such a small matter, in fact it's nothing, and maybe just the one sided me. Silly shit me. Maybe I'll continue to live in my own world, probably it ain't a bad thing because such a small blow I can't even take it well

What will become of me when some other big ones come?
Fuck this shit. I'm the one with all the problems all the time. It's just me. Everybody's in the 21st century but I'm lagging very much behind. Pre martial sex is nothing. Nothing right CY? Nothing. It's a symbol of love and it's none of my business because I don't have to get jealous over something that happened and I can't do anything about it.

Let go, technically you weren't holding on to him anyways.

lastly, maybe i am too full of myself. he won't die without me. lol wake up cy!