Something

I cry myself to sleep
I wake up crying
I cried as tho somebody just died
I cried when I don't even know what I am crying for

I am like a zombie
I don't even know what's worth me doing this

It's not something big
It's not anything small, at least to me.

We all have different morals, different values
And so what if I am not living in the 21st?
Is it just me? Maybe it is.

I'm all along pessimistic
I'm greedy, I'm self-centered, I want the best.

I am a perfectionist wannabe even tho I'm not perfect
And that's why I've never loved one the proper way
I don't even know how to

I could only type, I don't face people, I don't know what to say, or I'll revert back to my original fake me so that I would not feel awkward.

I once said I'll lose a friend whenever I fall in love with him/her and out of it. Because I can't think rationally, I jump into things, I'm overreacting, I'm childish, and I'm unreasonable.

I did know I should fight for what I want.
I did psycho myself, and think rationally that I can't control the past, what's past, past.

I didn't have a rah rah past, maybe that's why I've always been yearning for something pure, something sweet, something caring, just something that would probably never happen. Just the typical fairytale, I will always be the receiving party and I'll always be happy because you'll do anything, just anything to make me happy.

Sometimes, I jump a tad too far and think too many years later, when I should even look at the present. Nobody teaches me how not to bother, and how to see something imperfect as perfect. Maybe I'm much much more self centered, and I will keep hoping for something perfect when I ought to know probably nothing exist.

You can laugh, you can feel like I'm just too unreasonable to even throw some sense into me. Each of them all see things as a different way but I'm stuck in myself.

I thought it's worth anything to love for, it's worth anything for a try, it's worth anything to just at least try. Maybe I should try the hard way before I'll ever grow up.

But it is also me, the family I'm born into, the brotherly love I've always had from my real bro. Someone once told me that humans will last best with a bf/gf close to their sibling, afterall we seek comfort and security from each other.

My fairytale will never come. I will always get stuck in my own world and believe that something will just happen. That nature will do its own thing. But sometimes when I've cooled down and got a little more rational, I know, we need to fight for what we expect, what we hope, what we yearn, before nature comes in to help.

I've always been the helpless party. It's like I've people who looks fairytale alike to me, but still I didn't reciprocate because I don't feel the same way. Maybe now it's karma and I can understand how badly I've hurt them because they're like the ones giving me the fairytale for they know what I want, but still I didn't reciprocate because it seems like I would still choose the one I thought I liked more than the ones who've always been liking me.

I've never loved before maybe, but I've been broken many times. Sounds so contradicting, maybe I've loved before, with hugs and all, but not with kisses and sex.

Maybe it's puppy love all I had, maybe it's just imagination, and I still think it's a very fairytale kind. Maybe I'm a classic example who can be kept in the musemum because nobody thinks like me..

Or maybe... I don't know

I've a splitting headache. I shouldn't expect so much, too much because I've never loved and unfortunately may never love.

I would return and seek more security in my family, sometimes I lied and said oh yea my friend died so I cried. I just didn't want anybody to know why I cry, when I am still figuring out myself too.

I was drained, I've completely given up hope in the past on others, and walked the other way. But it didn't work out too, it was just the wrong way that kept me secure for a while until I turned the straight way.

I need to bathe and leave for work soon, tho I think typing it all is still the current way I like. I will never be able to speak to someone directly, not even my family, I'll never show them the weakest me. I've always been strong to all of my friends and I want to keep it that way. Even when they say I sounded sad everywhere evertime in blogs, whenever I see them I would manage to be happy, and then sound so goddamn rational that actually I'm okay after blogging. Yeah right. I'm just faking it. But these fakings have got me numb and I will continue to fake them all.

I want my image. I'll work hard for myself, I'll live in my world until I die, even if I had to do it all alone.

Call me dependent, call me independent, I'm also very confused which is me. Sometimes wanting to be dependent, and sometimes getting all too rational and am so independent or even crude.

Maybe you're also someone who's still getting over the past (or maybe you've gotten over it) or maybe you're still unsure of anything.

It's okay, we all are unsure of many things because like I said, sometimes thinking too far will get everything messed up.

But I'm the faulty one, I make a big hooha over it

It's just me. Not anybody. Gtg, don't wanna be late for work.

I'm strong.